No.5's Big No.2's

Since quiting the beer for a few weeks, the absence of it in my diet, appears to have affected my visits to the loo. I have experienced this before so I know I need to add some fibre to my diet, to avoid my legs going numb from the thighs down, while trying to crimp off a log.
I've been sat on the loo and the wife shouts "what you doing". Now with the bathroom window open a fraction I usually reply "I'm riding the porcelain horse" just in case the neighbours are in ear shot in their garden, it just sounds better than a more accurate description.
Some people won't use any other toilet than their own, which brings me on to going at work. The work loo is usually cleaner than a public loo, but still not your own, its a case of, to crap or not to crap.
There can be a sense of satisfaction dropping one off at work, being paid on the company time, but in the work place toilet there is usually two cubicles. Now imagine you go for a dump and one of the cubicles is already in use, what do you do ? Yep, you leave ! I don't want to hear or smell someone dropping their guts, grunting and straining, no thank you. Use another loo, or come back later.
It is horrific to hear someone else doing a turd. First off, they have a little wee, then maybe a precursory fart, often moist sounding, which should not be shared, and you can never tell how loud or smelly a fart will be. Then a No.2 is like a load of farts wrapped up in a ball of crap, very unpredictable.
The second cubicle is for emergencies only, I don't have enough hands to plug both ears, hold my nose, and carry on browsing Vodafone live football news on my mobile.

No.5